Why Hasn't God Delivered Me?

God has a purpose for your life. Even when you struggle to find value in those days that you beg Him to change circumstances & those mundane moments that you watch the clock and sigh...
I've blamed "people pleasing" a.k.a. trying to control people's affections, for where I am in life. I've been frustrated with God when I've repented and prayed whole-heartedly for forgiveness and nothing changes. I've accused Him of not caring because I'm unable to see the end of it all, here in the middle. 
Do you remember the Israelites' reaction when God first led them just outside the Promised Land? Even after God showed His favor to them with unbelievable miracles, they heard the reports about the giants they would have to fight and their fear of the "normal" outcome of such a battle was stronger than their faith in God. They weren't willing to take the chance if God didn't show up. It didn't make sense to them. God enabled Moses to part the sea to provide an escape from the Egyptian army, to split open rocks to provide drinking water when there was none and He sent manna to feed them when there was no food. I'm sure they just thought it was to "provide" for them physically while they looked for somewhere less dangerous to live. Some may even have thought it was God's way of punishing their lack of faith. I don't believe that. I think those 40 years were meant to deliver them from their weak, captivity-mentality. They were so used to feeling helpless and unable to overcome their problems that they just "settled". Their whining and complaining became such a part of who they were that it became natural to them. It's what they did. They didn't like something? They complained about the Egyptians. They didn't get what they expected--when they expected? They whined and complained about God abandoning them.  That's all they felt they had control to do. Even though God showed them He was going to help them, through mighty miracles, they didn't trust Him. After 300+ years of leaving them in captivity in Egypt, they didn't trust God--conveniently forgetting that their captivity came after they turned their backs on Him and began worshipping idols & foreign gods. 
I don't believe that God was being cruel by leading them into the desert for 40 years. I no longer think He was punishing them. I think that He knew that in their current state of mind: whiney, complaining, blaming, self-centered, fearful and wimpy, they had become spiritually lazy. Their faith wouldn't last a nano-second against the Anakites. So, He detoured them on a long journey to toughen their faith and their determination; to rid them of their constant self-pity and negativity. God wasn't punishing them by not giving them what they wanted, He was saving them because in their present mindset, they couldn't handle what they had to do to get it: trust God and go to war against the odds. They would certainly be destroyed first. Unfortunately, so many of the Israelites weren't willing to trust God with their lives. They chose to believe that they were still victims--not of Egypt anymore--but of the things they didn't like about their present circumstances. They gave up hope. They "settled". They let their fear of what their "could be" reign over what God promised, "could be". They wanted the illusive safety of feeling like they controlled their outcome. Don't we all? We all start out thinking our determination and hard work will get us where we want but somewhere along our path in life, we realize that it hasn't and it throws us into a state of depression. Eventually, because we put our faith in what God will do for us according to what we are willing to accept and not in embracing humility that will build character and maturity-- in order to survive without faith, we settle.
If you've been in an uncomfortable place in life and you don't understand why God hasn't rescued you, it's because there is a purpose. A good purpose. Don't fight it. Don't waste precious time crying and complaining. And don't "settle" thinking that this must be all God has for you. There's a difference between settling (giving up on dreams God has placed in your heart) and faithfully embracing and peacefully doing your best where you are. Trust that it's an important step in righteous maturity and that God has something wonderful & rewarding for you in this place.
Choose to trust God and pray for wisdom, strength and understanding to be able to roll with the waves instead of fighting against them crashing over you leaving you weak & hacking up water. This is the time to rest from trying to prove anything...control anything. It's the time to just work faithfully with what God has given you and trust that He loves you and has a purpose. Someone once said that as long as we can take a breath, God has a purpose for us. And when we stop fighting for control to make it happen our own way in our own time, He'll reveal the wonder of it.

The Value of Taking Time

Back in the "old days", when I was a kid, I'd get bored when my sisters were off doing things with their friends and the neighbor kids were busy. We didn't have computer games or cable TV. We didn't have dvd players and libraries of movies. And my parents were the adults and had the last word. "You'll survive."
At the age of 8, when I complained to my mom that Grandma Jo made her granddaughter--my neighbor & friend, Debbie, beautiful Barbie doll clothes and "I wanted beautiful Barbie Doll clothes!", my mom took the time to teach me to sew. When I got squirmy during Sunday church services that were over my head, she taught me to draw. When summer vacations from school stretched before me and she was busy working long hours in her home salon, she took the time to teach me to craft. All lessons that I still enjoy to this day. 
Now-a-days, a parent might buy a new movie or the newest game app as a quick fix vs. taking the sacrifice of time to teach their kids timeless, useful and rewarding activities. I've witnessed people standing in line at the Marathon with their kid and they hand their kid their cell phone. Instead of teaching their child the art of waiting well or respectfully, they distract her with a "quick-fix" that is the simple beginning to an unhealthy addiction. My having no quick-fixes to my boredom and being taught to wait well became an advantage that I'm now grateful for. 
The fact that kids now have little to no time to get bored--and I'm talking about kids under the age of 10--could that have any relation to many of them experiencing anxiety and depression? Not just a reaction to disappointment or being frustrated, but real on-going anxiety and depression!!
Are we adults so busy that we encourage our children's busy-ness? Whether it's because we consider busy-ness to be a badge of importance or our busy-ness takes priority over teaching them important life lessons and encouraging them in the gift of working with their hands? I have to wonder. It's tough. I get it. I was a single mom. I screwed up a lot, too.
Time is not just something to fill with busy-ness. It's also to be used to heal our minds and our bodies. It's easier to find time to relax our bodies but do we take the time to relax our minds? I have to admit that "quiet" often makes me feel restless.
Is what we do in the moments in between our planned activities worth the preciousness of the gift of time? If the point of it is to relax us, do we feel relaxed, peaceful and rejuvenated after we do it? Hmmm. Not always. Winning a game of Spider Solitaire doesn't have relaxing effects on me. A sense of pride, maybe, but relaxation, no. And what's there to be proud about? Really?
I struggle with the sense of feeling as if I have to be accomplishing something. Always earning my way--even when it isn't necessary. My current struggle is: not relying on background noise, like music or TV shows constantly playing in the background while I work at home. Even as I sit here writing about it, my leg is jiggling a mile a minute. I can feel anxiousness rising in me to get moving. I have to learn to turn it off. To embrace unmerited acceptance. To enjoy just the "doing" without any need to accomplish. To just be.
I'm not dissing all unnecessary enjoyment as much as I'm wanting to draw attention to how often we choose it over something that matters so much more. Something we too often ignore and push aside. Taking the time to experience real, inner peace. Like meditating on the healing love of Jesus.

We'll Never Get The Answers We Think We Need Until We Stop Asking Them

Yesterday, our pastor gave another compelling message. This one was how Satan vandalized mens hearts--twisting and perverting them with pride by placing doubt about the truth of the word of God in our minds. He introduced reasoning, which opened the door to rebellion against God's authority. And we continue to fall prey to this same trick over & over & over! 

Rebellion & pride are siblings. Reasoning is their weapon of choice. They turn our eyes constantly inward. What about me? Why is this happening to me? Why don't I ever get...? Why do I always have to...? "Why, God, why...? When, God, when...?" as Joyce Meyer puts it.

But, what Satan means for evil, God can & will use for good. He "works all things together for the good of those who love Him." We just need to let Him and that means--stop dwelling on ourselves and what isn't fair or right. Justice belongs to God. We tell ourselves that we believe it until we don't see it taking place. But the perfect timing for justice also belongs to Him. And our "solo" isn't the only performance in the concert if you know what I mean. God is the great conductor of an immense orchestra so the justice He brings will offer immeasurable amounts of grace to our offender--the same as He has done for us whenever we have needed it. It's sometimes hard to swallow the gift of grace being offered to people who continue to hurt us and push our buttons. We think that seeing them get payback or getting what we think they deserve will make things right; even. But it leaves us feeling empty. Two wrongs don't make a right. 

Only love and forgiveness are wonderful enough and great enough to break the power of darkness. 

As I sat and listened to the message, times when I've felt sorry for myself or frustrated from having to deal with an unpleasant person came to mind and the light bulb of revelation was lit. When I'd prayed for deliverance from a situation, I'd often wondered why God was silent. And I'd even questioned His goodness because my eyes were only on myself and how things "seemed" from my limited perspective. What if His allowing this unpleasantness in my life wasn't to punish me or to discipline me but was because He had entrusted me with a mission to minister the grace needed in that moment by that person? With everything I'd endured to that point, He had equipped me with empathy. But I wasn't able to see it because I did not avert my eyes away from myself and my own suffering to notice the suffering of my offender. Because I'd made it through so much, He had anointed me to be a beacon of hope. But I wasn't able to receive or give grace while questioning God's authority. I was the perfect person for the job. And I blew it. Self pity and offense are the children of rebellion & pride. We can see them clearly in others but are blinded to them in ourselves. But God's mercies are new every morning. His grace is more than sufficient for my failures and self-consumed heart. Today is a new day. 

"Lord, please help me to serve You by serving others well, with humility, to the best of my ability. And to direct my eyes upward and outward; not inward and downward."

My Version of The Serenity Prayer

While reading a book titled, "Co-dependedent No More," I was re-familiarized with the Serenity Prayer. I used to be active in a recovery group at our church that used it as a part of the ministry but as in all things, until I dissected it, chewed over the words and personalized it, the beauty and truth of it didn't really strike home. So, here it is...from my own heart: My Serenity Prayer.

"Dear Father, God,

When someone does something that hurts me or makes me feel angry or upset, please help me to remember how good you are to love me & show me grace when I"m motivated by selfishness or insensitivity.

Help me to remember that there will always be evil, pain and sadness in this world.

That it hurts you even more than it hurts me.

That the only remedy is to put on grace & love--that's what made me love you.

Self pity will only keep me a victim.

Anger begets anger and scoffs at grace & mercy.

Help me to see justice as an advantage; not a weapon.

You haven't asked me to change the world; only to make a difference in the lives of the people bound by ignorance & hurt around me. I can't change people or control them. If I try, I will end up frustrated and unhappy and drive away the people who care about me. We all desire to be loved, not controlled.

Show me, Father, and speak to me about how to let go of the desire to strike back, when to keep silent and to pray for the wisdom and the strength to forgive."

STEP 1 To Finding Peace While Living With A Dramatic Spouse

Step 1 To Finding Peace While Living With A Dramatic Spouse

*Update: The righteous ways of God are most difficult because they challenge & grate against our fleshly desires of what we think we deserve. My flesh cries out to be loved and respected the way that speaks love and respect to me. My husband's does the same. The ways we view love aren't necessarily wrong; just different. The safe environment of grace and mercy, honor and truth, lived out humbly yet firmly, are the keys to the metamorphosis of perfect love. And patience. Lots and lots of patience intermingled with prayer.

I was raised in a Church of Christ atmosphere. My parents were good people who were not just church-goers but were faithfully involved. My dad was an elder and taught an adult Sunday School class and my mom had a group of teenagers over every thursday night for a Bible study.
You could say that I "grew up in church."
Along with that background, I found myself attending a full gospel church in my early 30's. I was newly divorced with two young children. There, I learned about the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, raising my hands during worship, etc.
I'm not sure where my faith got side tracked. But, its foundation was definitely "tried".

Fast forward to today.
Through all of the hardships of my life to date, I've come to these conclusions:
1. It doesn't matter how "good" I am, I'm going to come into contact with bad things and bad people.
2. I cannot control those bad things or bad  people.
3. When I pray to God for help, He most often will not change my circumstance for me. He wants me to live; not withdraw every time I come into contact with something unpleasant. So if I pray for help, He'll whisper to me, scriptures that bring comfort, open my eyes to a new plan of action or offer me a new way of looking at my situation that makes it bearable, so that I can make it through--a far cry from the wildly innocent notion that He would magically make everything in my world "right" according to my emotions and feelings. I've learned to stop praying for happiness and now pray for others and an ability to love & forgive them.

When My mom passed away, my sisters and I were faced with  the task of sorting through her belongings to decide what to do with them. We divied up books and I haphazardly placed my pile in a box and put it in the garage for one of those, "One day, when I have more time, I'll read all of these," moments.
After one of countless times, of struggling to love (love-meaning stand by & not abandon) my insecure, fearful, angry, 2nd husband, my prayer found me out in the garage, sorting through the hoard-worthy mess. I came across that pile of books and I believe God used one of them to open my eyes to my own responsibilities regarding my unhappiness. I'll explain further, later in this post. That day, I found in my hands, a book, titled, "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie. I thought, "I wonder if my husband is codependent?"
I've been slowly chewing the information in this book for months, reading and rereading paragraphs and pages to engrave them into my brain. It's a book written by someone who not only was controlled by the use of drugs and alcohol but after rehabilitation, continued to be controlled by the use of alcohol by those she loved. It's a revelation to hurting people like me who have poured years of our lives into trying to change other hurting people by controlling them or the atmosphere around them in order to keep life, in our minds, bearable. These people are called "codependents".  Turns out, my husband is codependent. But so am I. While he's a more aggressive codependent, I'm a passive one. We both try to control others; him, by his emotional outbursts and me, by trying to keep the peace. I became ridiculously fearful--carefully avoiding doing or saying things that might set my husband "off" (which was about everything). I went from being somewhat introverted to being downright meek and intimidated. I learned the hard way that just shutting down wasn't a good thing. Everything I did seemed to make his problem, our problem and didn't get the point across--until I heard a valuable message by Joyce Meyer, who said, "It's not your responsibility to make, or keep, other people happy. They are responsible to work out their own salvation." That was a life changer for me. And the Holy Spirit was then able to speak truth to me. Allowing my husband's emotional outbursts to control what I did or said and how I felt, was enabling him to continue to think that those outbursts could make things better for him. I was interfering with God's gift to him--the opportunity to work out his own salvation. "Wherefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not only while you were in my presence, but, now that I'm (Jesus) absent, continue to work out your own salvation (do your best to control your sinful nature) with awe and reverence." Phil. 2:12

Which, brings me to today. Step one. Step one of the 12 steps of, not my husband's healing,  but my own--(re-worded a bit, to fit my circumstances):
"I admit I am powerless over my husband's emotional outbursts, his way of viewing life through fear and frustration, his lack of faith in God's power and love for him, and the false thinking that he can control what happens around him with those outbursts."
I've struggled with this in the past because, to me, it meant that in order to have peace and enjoy the rest of my life, it meant one of these things had to happen: 1. I'd get brave--tough as nails to be able to pack up my things and leave. I knew I'd have to give up my home and all of the hard work & equity I'd put into it; my small business, which didn't make enough money to support me--that is, if I wanted to eat, have a roof over my head, have heat and lights, and, I'd have to be ready to put up emotional barriers to resist my husband's pleas for forgiveness. In his defense, he really does love me in his own way. He just has so many fears and anger issues--and he always reverts back to his old habits after a short time.  2. I'd outlive my husband. An absolutely awful thing to think but even good people who are miserable & unhappy can let their minds go in crazy, bad places. It's frightening how those feelings, left unchecked, can open the door to the devil & I cringe to even admit that I was that desperate to consider it something to ask God for. 3. God would zap my husband and he would miraculously change from an insecure, fearful & angry man into a faith-filled, loving, self-less & confident man.  A miracle for sure, but God is the master of miracles and they still do happen. Unfortunately, we all have the gift of free will so even though God continues to pursue us until we take our last breath,  it could take that long.
Because the first two ideas seem outside of the will of God--both giving up on faith in God and in my husband's ability to change--I ruled them out. I have decided to hold out for the miracle but in the mean time, it will require much change in me because I need to learn to live in peace and a sense of well-being while I wait. I will have to pray a lot of prayers to hold my tongue, to give up control, to stop defending my honor (letting righteous virtue do that for me), reading encouraging articles & books and journaling to maintain my self worth & peace. If I'm going to truly believe my own words--that God can and will make this marriage into something beautiful for both my husband and I, I'll have to continually die to myself--the pride in me that makes me want to fight back. To defend myself. To give up. We're not talking about a once in a while difference of opinions. We're talking about an every day, something annoys, frustrates, gets under the skin, aggravates, or overwhelms him, occurrence. You get the picture.
When we discipline a child, we teach them that actions have consequences. "When you do that...this happens."  Even God says as much in the Bible. So, on occasion, I may need to walk away for a time. No threat of divorce. Not out of selfishness or pride but just a time to refresh. I think it will be important to not only state that I'm leaving temporarily, but why. And then follow through. I consider this consequence to be Biblical. I believe it's supported by Jesus, himself. When he chose the 12 disciples, he chose very different men with very different personalities from very different backgrounds. Do you think that he only chose men based on who he thought would get along together? If that were the case, why all of the differences? Differences cause, well, differences.  No, He chose men who had differing strengths and opinions to challenge each other to live and work in harmony for a great cause and an even greater end. Peter, a hard, strong willed, opinionated leader who was used to barking out orders (he had his own boat/fishing business) teamed up with John, an odd bird who often referred to himself in the third person and either had major insecurities or suck-up issues -- evident because he referred to himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved". Wouldn't that be annoying? Didn't Jesus love them all? Was it really necessary to call himself that? Maybe to John, but not to the rest of them. And who likes a guy who is always bossing people around and can't see anyone else's point of view? It had to be challenging after a long day of being together, not to want to throat punch each other. So, what's my point? Even Jesus had to get off alone to pray and refresh himself. You may have thought it was because He needed to ask God for strength to change the world.  But I think it was to ask God to give Him the strength to love (love--meaning stand by & not abandon) these men enough, to stay in it for the long haul. To change the world for twelve men so that they would change the world for those around them, who would change the world for those around them, and so on and so forth.
I leave you with this question: Do you think divorcing every person who gets on our nerves so that we can try to maintain happiness is God's perfect will for mankind? Is it His perfect plan for us to just keep us happy? Is God codependent? Yeah, I don't think so either. Maybe His plan is far greater than just ourselves and our own happiness. Maybe while allowing others to work out their own salvation; more simply put, letting them deal with the consequences of their daily choices, we can focus on better working out our own salvation.
Maybe that means a few hours watching birds in the park. Maybe it means spending time with a friend--not rehashing your frustration or all the things wrong with your spouse. The idea is to get refreshed; not collect sympathizers. What ever can restore your peace without bringing more harm (a quart of Haagen daz or a whole package of Oreos will do long term damage for the reward of 20-30 minutes of enjoyment). Whatever you decide, use wisdom and self discipline. Act. Don't RE-act.

"Better to live on a corner of a roof than share a house with a contentious woman (man/person)." Prov. 25:24.

What Does It Mean To "Take Up My Cross"?

It's easy to utter an opinion, speak words in the heat of emotion or casually sing words to a song and not really understand the power that the tongue holds.  Yesterday, I sang the words, "My heart is Yours, my heart is Yours. Take it all, take it all, my life in Your hands. I lay down my life. I take up my cross." And as I worshiped, I wondered, "When I say that I'm laying down my life, just what in particular am I putting aside?" And the cross has always symbolized suffering. What am I saying that I'm willing to suffer for?
As I pondered, the words, "...let us put aside every weight and sin which clings so closely..." (Heb. 12:1) came to me. Presently, I still entertain fears that God won't do what He says which is to supply all of my needs. I have less trouble believing He'll keep His Word for others but because of past experiences with abandonment, betrayal and pressure/ responsibility, my pride urges me to think that my success is ultimately up to me. It's the mind set of the world. It's the thought rule of the godless. 
While I know the truth in my heart, I consistently entertain ideas of giving up the dreams I'm currently trying to walk out and get a normal "work on demand and we'll pay you a regular income" job because we all know that those kinds of jobs are reliable & proven with very little expectation of failure and we tend to trust in what we see and experience. But at what cost? Dreams are hard to wait for. They're difficult to believe sometimes. They often continue to be just out of reach. And they, more often than not, seem silly to speak out loud.
But what if God's will for me is to not be afraid; to believe and keep on believing, not hesitantly as in, "I hope" or "I wish" but confidently that it's just a matter of time. The right time. When all else has come and gone. When I've proven that no matter what, this is who I am and this is what I do and no one or no thing is going to change that. 
I lay down my life, what is easy and unsatisfying but comfortable because it doesn't require faith. I take up my cross. I suffer, holding back complaining words and sensible but faithless thoughts. And the promises of a loving God infuse me with peace when I can't see the proof of them with my own eyes. I confidently trust that He is fighting and putting into place every glorious detail--even better than what I have imagined--and here's the defining truth; the lightbulb moment: each temptation to give up, to not believe, to doubt God's goodness and faithfulness, that surfaces-- when I cry out to Him for strength to make the right choice, is a step closer to my fulfilled dream. Each step of faith forward is made with each choice to do the right thing, to live faithfully and in faith. Like Indiana Jones where as he takes each step into thin air with no guarantee that he won't plummet to his death, a smooth stone appears to support his weight. 
Yes, this faith stuff is hard. But if it weren't, we wouldn't need a Savior. And that's as silly as my thinking that my success is ultimately up to me. 

Be blessed and live the faith!
Sincerely, 
Chris

If Nothing Could Stop Me

If nothing could stop me,
I'd live free of the fear of people's responses.
I wouldn't shy away from having an opinion because
I'd know that my opinion was just as valuable as others'.

I would treat myself better.
I wouldn't let others tell me
what should or shouldn't be important to me.

I would know that I have value.
I wouldn't be timid about standing up for what I want
because I know that my
wants and desires
are as important as anyones.

If nothing cold stop me
I'd start singing again.

I'd fill the house with
beautiful music
that stirred my soul,
as loud as I pleased.

I'd dance like David
oblivious to what I looked like
or who may be watching.

I wouldn't worry about disaster,
the future or money.

I'd spend it like it was going out of style.
I'd throw parties
and be choosy
about the clothes that I wore
rather than what I found at garage sales.
My purses and shoes
wouldn't be hand-me-downs.
My roof wouldn't leak
and my floors wouldn't be uneven.

I'd work jobs that I enjoyed
and if I didn't enjoy them
or they weren't for me,
well then,
I'd smile and say so;
no big deal,
there will be a new opportunity tomorrow.

If nothing could stop me,
I'd open businesses of my own and
make my own schedule.
I'd work hard but always make time to
enjoy life.

I'd walk away from my life now;
not looking back,
not afraid of starting over with nothing,
Because nothing could stop me.

So what is stopping me........ besides me?