What Does It Mean To "Take Up My Cross"?

It's easy to utter an opinion, speak words in the heat of emotion or casually sing words to a song and not really understand the power that the tongue holds.  Yesterday, I sang the words, "My heart is Yours, my heart is Yours. Take it all, take it all, my life in Your hands. I lay down my life. I take up my cross." And as I worshiped, I wondered, "When I say that I'm laying down my life, just what in particular am I putting aside?" And the cross has always symbolized suffering. What am I saying that I'm willing to suffer for?
As I pondered, the words, "...let us put aside every weight and sin which clings so closely..." (Heb. 12:1) came to me. Presently, I still entertain fears that God won't do what He says which is to supply all of my needs. I have less trouble believing He'll keep His Word for others but because of past experiences with abandonment, betrayal and pressure/ responsibility, my pride urges me to think that my success is ultimately up to me. It's the mind set of the world. It's the thought rule of the godless. 
While I know the truth in my heart, I consistently entertain ideas of giving up the dreams I'm currently trying to walk out and get a normal "work on demand and we'll pay you a regular income" job because we all know that those kinds of jobs are reliable & proven with very little expectation of failure and we tend to trust in what we see and experience. But at what cost? Dreams are hard to wait for. They're difficult to believe sometimes. They often continue to be just out of reach. And they, more often than not, seem silly to speak out loud.
But what if God's will for me is to not be afraid; to believe and keep on believing, not hesitantly as in, "I hope" or "I wish" but confidently that it's just a matter of time. The right time. When all else has come and gone. When I've proven that no matter what, this is who I am and this is what I do and no one or no thing is going to change that. 
I lay down my life, what is easy and unsatisfying but comfortable because it doesn't require faith. I take up my cross. I suffer, holding back complaining words and sensible but faithless thoughts. And the promises of a loving God infuse me with peace when I can't see the proof of them with my own eyes. I confidently trust that He is fighting and putting into place every glorious detail--even better than what I have imagined--and here's the defining truth; the lightbulb moment: each temptation to give up, to not believe, to doubt God's goodness and faithfulness, that surfaces-- when I cry out to Him for strength to make the right choice, is a step closer to my fulfilled dream. Each step of faith forward is made with each choice to do the right thing, to live faithfully and in faith. Like Indiana Jones where as he takes each step into thin air with no guarantee that he won't plummet to his death, a smooth stone appears to support his weight. 
Yes, this faith stuff is hard. But if it weren't, we wouldn't need a Savior. And that's as silly as my thinking that my success is ultimately up to me. 

Be blessed and live the faith!
Sincerely, 
Chris