Why Hasn't God Delivered Me?

God has a purpose for your life. Even when you struggle to find value in those days that you beg Him to change circumstances & those mundane moments that you watch the clock and sigh...
I've blamed "people pleasing" a.k.a. trying to control people's affections, for where I am in life. I've been frustrated with God when I've repented and prayed whole-heartedly for forgiveness and nothing changes. I've accused Him of not caring because I'm unable to see the end of it all, here in the middle. 
Do you remember the Israelites' reaction when God first led them just outside the Promised Land? Even after God showed His favor to them with unbelievable miracles, they heard the reports about the giants they would have to fight and their fear of the "normal" outcome of such a battle was stronger than their faith in God. They weren't willing to take the chance if God didn't show up. It didn't make sense to them. God enabled Moses to part the sea to provide an escape from the Egyptian army, to split open rocks to provide drinking water when there was none and He sent manna to feed them when there was no food. I'm sure they just thought it was to "provide" for them physically while they looked for somewhere less dangerous to live. Some may even have thought it was God's way of punishing their lack of faith. I don't believe that. I think those 40 years were meant to deliver them from their weak, captivity-mentality. They were so used to feeling helpless and unable to overcome their problems that they just "settled". Their whining and complaining became such a part of who they were that it became natural to them. It's what they did. They didn't like something? They complained about the Egyptians. They didn't get what they expected--when they expected? They whined and complained about God abandoning them.  That's all they felt they had control to do. Even though God showed them He was going to help them, through mighty miracles, they didn't trust Him. After 300+ years of leaving them in captivity in Egypt, they didn't trust God--conveniently forgetting that their captivity came after they turned their backs on Him and began worshipping idols & foreign gods. 
I don't believe that God was being cruel by leading them into the desert for 40 years. I no longer think He was punishing them. I think that He knew that in their current state of mind: whiney, complaining, blaming, self-centered, fearful and wimpy, they had become spiritually lazy. Their faith wouldn't last a nano-second against the Anakites. So, He detoured them on a long journey to toughen their faith and their determination; to rid them of their constant self-pity and negativity. God wasn't punishing them by not giving them what they wanted, He was saving them because in their present mindset, they couldn't handle what they had to do to get it: trust God and go to war against the odds. They would certainly be destroyed first. Unfortunately, so many of the Israelites weren't willing to trust God with their lives. They chose to believe that they were still victims--not of Egypt anymore--but of the things they didn't like about their present circumstances. They gave up hope. They "settled". They let their fear of what their "could be" reign over what God promised, "could be". They wanted the illusive safety of feeling like they controlled their outcome. Don't we all? We all start out thinking our determination and hard work will get us where we want but somewhere along our path in life, we realize that it hasn't and it throws us into a state of depression. Eventually, because we put our faith in what God will do for us according to what we are willing to accept and not in embracing humility that will build character and maturity-- in order to survive without faith, we settle.
If you've been in an uncomfortable place in life and you don't understand why God hasn't rescued you, it's because there is a purpose. A good purpose. Don't fight it. Don't waste precious time crying and complaining. And don't "settle" thinking that this must be all God has for you. There's a difference between settling (giving up on dreams God has placed in your heart) and faithfully embracing and peacefully doing your best where you are. Trust that it's an important step in righteous maturity and that God has something wonderful & rewarding for you in this place.
Choose to trust God and pray for wisdom, strength and understanding to be able to roll with the waves instead of fighting against them crashing over you leaving you weak & hacking up water. This is the time to rest from trying to prove anything...control anything. It's the time to just work faithfully with what God has given you and trust that He loves you and has a purpose. Someone once said that as long as we can take a breath, God has a purpose for us. And when we stop fighting for control to make it happen our own way in our own time, He'll reveal the wonder of it.

The Value of Taking Time

Back in the "old days", when I was a kid, I'd get bored when my sisters were off doing things with their friends and the neighbor kids were busy. We didn't have computer games or cable TV. We didn't have dvd players and libraries of movies. And my parents were the adults and had the last word. "You'll survive."
At the age of 8, when I complained to my mom that Grandma Jo made her granddaughter--my neighbor & friend, Debbie, beautiful Barbie doll clothes and "I wanted beautiful Barbie Doll clothes!", my mom took the time to teach me to sew. When I got squirmy during Sunday church services that were over my head, she taught me to draw. When summer vacations from school stretched before me and she was busy working long hours in her home salon, she took the time to teach me to craft. All lessons that I still enjoy to this day. 
Now-a-days, a parent might buy a new movie or the newest game app as a quick fix vs. taking the sacrifice of time to teach their kids timeless, useful and rewarding activities. I've witnessed people standing in line at the Marathon with their kid and they hand their kid their cell phone. Instead of teaching their child the art of waiting well or respectfully, they distract her with a "quick-fix" that is the simple beginning to an unhealthy addiction. My having no quick-fixes to my boredom and being taught to wait well became an advantage that I'm now grateful for. 
The fact that kids now have little to no time to get bored--and I'm talking about kids under the age of 10--could that have any relation to many of them experiencing anxiety and depression? Not just a reaction to disappointment or being frustrated, but real on-going anxiety and depression!!
Are we adults so busy that we encourage our children's busy-ness? Whether it's because we consider busy-ness to be a badge of importance or our busy-ness takes priority over teaching them important life lessons and encouraging them in the gift of working with their hands? I have to wonder. It's tough. I get it. I was a single mom. I screwed up a lot, too.
Time is not just something to fill with busy-ness. It's also to be used to heal our minds and our bodies. It's easier to find time to relax our bodies but do we take the time to relax our minds? I have to admit that "quiet" often makes me feel restless.
Is what we do in the moments in between our planned activities worth the preciousness of the gift of time? If the point of it is to relax us, do we feel relaxed, peaceful and rejuvenated after we do it? Hmmm. Not always. Winning a game of Spider Solitaire doesn't have relaxing effects on me. A sense of pride, maybe, but relaxation, no. And what's there to be proud about? Really?
I struggle with the sense of feeling as if I have to be accomplishing something. Always earning my way--even when it isn't necessary. My current struggle is: not relying on background noise, like music or TV shows constantly playing in the background while I work at home. Even as I sit here writing about it, my leg is jiggling a mile a minute. I can feel anxiousness rising in me to get moving. I have to learn to turn it off. To embrace unmerited acceptance. To enjoy just the "doing" without any need to accomplish. To just be.
I'm not dissing all unnecessary enjoyment as much as I'm wanting to draw attention to how often we choose it over something that matters so much more. Something we too often ignore and push aside. Taking the time to experience real, inner peace. Like meditating on the healing love of Jesus.

We'll Never Get The Answers We Think We Need Until We Stop Asking Them

Yesterday, our pastor gave another compelling message. This one was how Satan vandalized mens hearts--twisting and perverting them with pride by placing doubt about the truth of the word of God in our minds. He introduced reasoning, which opened the door to rebellion against God's authority. And we continue to fall prey to this same trick over & over & over! 

Rebellion & pride are siblings. Reasoning is their weapon of choice. They turn our eyes constantly inward. What about me? Why is this happening to me? Why don't I ever get...? Why do I always have to...? "Why, God, why...? When, God, when...?" as Joyce Meyer puts it.

But, what Satan means for evil, God can & will use for good. He "works all things together for the good of those who love Him." We just need to let Him and that means--stop dwelling on ourselves and what isn't fair or right. Justice belongs to God. We tell ourselves that we believe it until we don't see it taking place. But the perfect timing for justice also belongs to Him. And our "solo" isn't the only performance in the concert if you know what I mean. God is the great conductor of an immense orchestra so the justice He brings will offer immeasurable amounts of grace to our offender--the same as He has done for us whenever we have needed it. It's sometimes hard to swallow the gift of grace being offered to people who continue to hurt us and push our buttons. We think that seeing them get payback or getting what we think they deserve will make things right; even. But it leaves us feeling empty. Two wrongs don't make a right. 

Only love and forgiveness are wonderful enough and great enough to break the power of darkness. 

As I sat and listened to the message, times when I've felt sorry for myself or frustrated from having to deal with an unpleasant person came to mind and the light bulb of revelation was lit. When I'd prayed for deliverance from a situation, I'd often wondered why God was silent. And I'd even questioned His goodness because my eyes were only on myself and how things "seemed" from my limited perspective. What if His allowing this unpleasantness in my life wasn't to punish me or to discipline me but was because He had entrusted me with a mission to minister the grace needed in that moment by that person? With everything I'd endured to that point, He had equipped me with empathy. But I wasn't able to see it because I did not avert my eyes away from myself and my own suffering to notice the suffering of my offender. Because I'd made it through so much, He had anointed me to be a beacon of hope. But I wasn't able to receive or give grace while questioning God's authority. I was the perfect person for the job. And I blew it. Self pity and offense are the children of rebellion & pride. We can see them clearly in others but are blinded to them in ourselves. But God's mercies are new every morning. His grace is more than sufficient for my failures and self-consumed heart. Today is a new day. 

"Lord, please help me to serve You by serving others well, with humility, to the best of my ability. And to direct my eyes upward and outward; not inward and downward."

My Version of The Serenity Prayer

While reading a book titled, "Co-dependedent No More," I was re-familiarized with the Serenity Prayer. I used to be active in a recovery group at our church that used it as a part of the ministry but as in all things, until I dissected it, chewed over the words and personalized it, the beauty and truth of it didn't really strike home. So, here it is...from my own heart: My Serenity Prayer.

"Dear Father, God,

When someone does something that hurts me or makes me feel angry or upset, please help me to remember how good you are to love me & show me grace when I"m motivated by selfishness or insensitivity.

Help me to remember that there will always be evil, pain and sadness in this world.

That it hurts you even more than it hurts me.

That the only remedy is to put on grace & love--that's what made me love you.

Self pity will only keep me a victim.

Anger begets anger and scoffs at grace & mercy.

Help me to see justice as an advantage; not a weapon.

You haven't asked me to change the world; only to make a difference in the lives of the people bound by ignorance & hurt around me. I can't change people or control them. If I try, I will end up frustrated and unhappy and drive away the people who care about me. We all desire to be loved, not controlled.

Show me, Father, and speak to me about how to let go of the desire to strike back, when to keep silent and to pray for the wisdom and the strength to forgive."